I Want to be Lord of the Manor

I want to be Lord of the Manor,
I want to be King of the pile,
I'm fed up with being a yokel
And chewing a straw on the stile.

I want to look down on you peasants,
(As soon as I'm not one myself).
I want to eat fois gras and pheasant
And have more than beans on the shelf.

I want to stand out in public,
And have people say "there's a toff".
I want to be someone important
Like Royalty, Nobility or Cloth.

I really am Lord of the Manor,
At least so my mum used to say,
As she told of the nights when she and the Lord
Would go for a roll in the hay.

I'll one day be Lord of the Manor,
As soon as my numbers come up,
And you won't catch me talking to you lot,
Or drinking cheap wine from a cup.

Stone Cold Stress

I met a teacher from the 'Stone Cold' school a couple of days ago and suffered a real ear bending about the stress I'd caused the teacher I'd covered. She was, apparently,  almost permanently in tears  and unable to work because  of the negativity resulting from my worksheet.  I explained that it wasn't my worksheet but he wasn't listening. "Carol would never do something like that," he harangued, "and it's a disgrace that you refuse to accept responsibility."
      Not only has this "poor woman" wrecked my teaching career, but she's getting sick pay and counselling for the stress she is suffering.

Telling Tales

Sometimes teachers can get uptight about things that are not worth the effort of being angry about.
     I was covering year four for the day and in the afternoon the year 4 co-ordinator said, "can you tell them a traditional tale and have them make illustrations? There are plenty of stories in the library."
     I have a head full of traditional tales so it was a matter of deciding which to tell. At the end of lunchtime, the teacher came to me and bellowed, "you didn't go to the library, how can you tell a story?"
     "I remember them," I told her.
     "How on earth can you tell a traditional tale properly without the book?" she demanded.
     "I just can," I said, but she thrust a book into my hand anyway.
     "Read this," she ordered and stomped off.
     So I told the story. I didn't read it because reading from a book destroys the storytelling experience. Every time you tell a story it is a little different. It's a different audience and experience tells you when to ask them questions like, "What do you think they did then?" You learn when to characterise, when to add a little banter and when to draw on the kids for the animal noises.
     Do they teach storytelling? It's such a vital skill. If you were to pull out a book or notes at the storytelling circle they would show you the door. School is no different.  

Stone Cold

One of the very worst incidents in a long supply teaching career is the most recent, which has me banned from working in one County.

     I was doing a day in a school I had been in several times before. It was last period on a Friday taking year 9 for English.

     A lesson plan and worksheets had been left for a lesson on Robert Swindells' novel, Stone Cold. The book is very dark, with themes of abuse, homelessness, mental illness and murder, but seems a popular choice in many schools. The worksheet examined responses to an abusive relationship and I had no reason to suspect that there was anything untoward about it. The language was a bit sleazy, but nothing that a year 9 student would be unaware of.

     Last period is often lively and as part of the lesson I read out the worksheet. The students immediately started laughing and jeering and the TA, who was supporting a student, took the student and ran from the room. She reported that the worksheet was “disgusting” and made her feel sick.

     Once they settled back down, the students did as much work as might be expected.

     The first I knew about a problem was from my agency who had suspended me. I was accused of taking in and using a “disgusting and disgraceful” worksheet and using it instead of the lesson I had been left. It emerged that the TA had complained, parents had complained, a report had been made to the police. As a result, the LA had also been informed and I was banned from working in any County schools. A referral was also made to the GTCE and I am awaiting the outcome of that.

     Like any organised supply teacher, I have prepared lessons which I carry with me. What I don't do, unless on a long term cover, is to prepare lessons on topics which will be on the school's Scheme of Work. You cannot second guess another teacher's approach. I have, though, read all the books I am likely to meet in an English lesson because it makes it easier to answer questions and suggest possible meanings.

     The “disgusting” worksheet raises a number of questions. To have created such a worksheet would suggest that I knew that I would be teaching Stone Cold in a particular lesson and was willing to disrupt someone else's Scheme of Work. Why should I do this, given that it would be a disciplinary offence? I have been unable to obtain a copy of the lesson I was supposed to have delivered.

     There are two consequences of this situation. Firstly, my name is blackened by a malicious libel. Secondly, there was no similar disciplinary action against the real author of the worksheet who remains in post.

     Either the Headteacher has accepted the absent English teacher's claim to have no knowledge of the worksheet or has decided to use me as a scapegoat to protect a colleague. Neither is acceptable.

     You want to see the worksheet? Here it is:

Set: A cut-away house is shown on stage, containing two rooms: the

living room and a teenage boy’s bedroom. The lounge is filled with

cigarette smoke, and the sports news blares out from the TV.

A fat, middle aged man is slumped on the sofa. He is surrounded by

crushed beer cans and he is currently asleep.

The boy speaks first. He is talking to himself and staring in the mirror.

LINK: My life is fascinating. (Snorts in derision). Bloody fascinating.

Not.

He freezes whilst the man on the sofa comes to life.

VINCE: (Belches loudly). God, I must’ve been asleep. (rubs head,

disorientated) What the….(Smiles proudly at a memory). I told her, I did!

She can’t expect to walk around my house, the little tart, without getting

‘attention’….(sniggers)….eh up lass…..give us a feel of those!!! (Laughs

like a drain)…..come on….don’t be shy…come and give your old step

dad a cuddle…..I expect she will be back for more….they always are!

Just like her mum! (Rolls over and sleeps again)

CAROLE enters, her face streaked with tears and with her arms wrapped

defensively around herself.

CAROLE: (To the sleeping Vince) I said no! wait till Mum finds out!

You slob! You dirty slob! You will be the one leaving, not me! You make

me feel sick! Sick! (She aims a pathetic slap at his face but he is dead to

the world).

Exit Carole to Link’s bedroom

They embrace, each looking away. How does the conversation go from

here?

Olympic excuses

You won't find Tommy Atkins as one of the boxers in the British Olympic team. A few years ago he had the makings of a contender, but he just didn't have the attitude or discipline to keep at it.
     I met Tommy when he was in year 10. He was regarded as able but lazy. He was also a bully.
     I was covering a rather dull English lesson when a fight broke out. Tommy was laying into two students at once and they were making a poor effort at defending themselves. Unwisely, I stepped between the fighters and Tommy punched me very hard in the chest.
     The TA removed Tommy and I spoke to the other two contestants. They insisted that nothing would happen if they complained, but both provided statements. I also wrote a statement and they were sent to the Head of Year.
     At break, I was surprised to see Tommy Atkins swaggering around the playground. He made a rude remark as he passed me.
     I sought out the Head of Year and asked what was happening.
     “Nothing,” he told me.
     “He assaulted me and two students,” I replied, “you can't just let that pass.”
     “Look here,” said the Head of Year, “Tommy Atkins is a talented boxer and is predicted for a place in the British Olympic Team.”
     “But he also assaulted a teacher and two students,” I protested.
     “Do you really think we're going to let a Supply Teacher stand in the way of one of our students being in the Olympics?” he responded and at that walked off.
     I spoke later to the two students who, quite correctly, told me, “we told you so.”

Racist Tie

For my supply teaching I wear a smart shirt, trousers and shoes, sometimes a jumper and always a tie. Most of my ties are what you might call entertaining, with a lot having animal images like giraffes, elephants, hippos, a tiger, Noah's ark and this one, sheep. I rarely wear a tie other than for work so wearing silly ones is a little statement.  I was working with a year 9 class covering a science lesson when one lad piped up, "your tie is racist, sir."   I told him not to be so silly, the lesson passed quietly enough and the comment seemed to be forgotten.   At break I was called into the headteacher's office. "I'm sorry, he said, but I have to investigate a racist incident."    I said that I was not aware of any such incident, but he pointed and said, "there have been complaints about your racist tie."    It has sheep on it," I replied.    But one of them is black," he said, observantly.    I tried to point out that it was a bit of fun, but he would have none of it. "a racist incident is any incident which is perceived to be racist by the victim or any other person," he declared.    Who is the victim?" I asked.    "Fortunately, there are no victims," he said, "or it would be a police matter, but several of our students were very distressed by it."   "Can you explain," I asked, "how a tie with cartoon sheep on it could possibly distress anyone."   Quick as a flash he had the answer. "It's racist graffiti, wearing racist badges or insignia and other provocative behaviour."   No amount of protest on my part could persuade the man that it was a novelty tie and nothing more. He was working by the book.   Several students had already provided statements and I was required to prepare one too. I simply wrote the statement, "I came to school today wearing a novelty tie containing cartoon pictures of sheep," which I then signed and dated.   The headteacher wanted more detail but I refused to add any more. He was angry about my "blase attitude." I reluctantly agreed to be photographed wearing the tie.   The headteacher had to write a statement of his own, inform the parents of the distressed students about his actions, submit a report to the Local Authority and then raise the matter at the next Governors meeting.   Dealing with me was easy. Having signed my statement I was sent home and my agency informed of my racist behaviour.   As far as I am concerned, the colour of sheep is of little consequence. I cannot imagine that they care what colour they are and they probably taste the same with mint sauce. I don't know how many hours were wasted on this racist incident, but it does a disservice to all the victims of real incidents to be lumped together with something so trivial.